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On Twitter, Donald Trump’s trolls are numerous and fill his tweet threads with delightful, cutting nastiness day in and day out. But one troll has recently caught my eye and she is winning the internet with her near-constant trolling of our new President-elect.
Bess Kalb is a show writer for “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” and also writes for The New Yorker, so being funny seems to be one of her natural talents. But what sets her apart from other funny Twitter trolls is the style she has adopted exclusively for trolling Trump — she seems to be parenting him.
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Because let’s face it, the right wing elected a man-child into the White House. He’s constantly whining on Twitter and has the emotional intelligence of a toddler. He needs a mommy to show him the way. It’s just too perfect.
Check it out:
.@realDonaldTrump Honey honey shhhh. It’s over. You did it, baby. You have to be President now. Stop catastrophizing into imaginary spirals.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 27, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Sorry, sweetie, I was asleep. I’m glad you’re all puffed up but you can thank yourself after you’ve Presidented a little.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 28, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Oh honey, he’s really going to be a valuable resource for you. And this whole “not” business isn’t very Presidenty!— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 28, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Remember what we said about treating international diplomacy like you’re tossing to commercial on a reality show, love.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 28, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump And I hate to say this, and you know I adore your friends, but one good step might be staying clear of that Steve Bannon.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 28, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Great slogan, sweetie! Nobody sells like my Donny! but being the architect of viable policy should be a bit more nuanced.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 29, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Oh honey I know they’re mean to you but it sounds an awful lot like you’re going with feelings over freedom of the press.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 30, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump Oh sweetheart I know you think this makes you look brave, but you need to stop fixating!— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 31, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump It’s heartbreaking to see you unravelling over what other people think of you. It’s time to make DONALD feel great again.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 2, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Sweetie, we understand you just learned some information about Asia, and that’s exciting, but this isn’t very coherent.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 2, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump When your foreign policy takes are “Won’t happen!” and “Nice!” you sound less Presidenty and more like a novice, angel.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 2, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump I know it’s scary and boring but you need to start coming up with broad, economically sound solutions to global problems.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 3, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump I’m worried you think you just handled the situation at Guantanamo by tweeting an un-researched generalization, dear.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 3, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Glad you’re pumped, angel! If the number is greater than ten you can type it out numerically.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 3, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Sweetheart, when you obsess about it publicly it makes you look worried.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 4, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Who, sweetie?— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 4, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Angel, the more you throw these public fits discrediting the press the less dignified you seem. Be the bigger Statesman.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 5, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Oh no. Oh, honey. If you want people to come together, don’t go on the Internet and call the opposition leader a clown.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 5, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump Would it help the morning tantrums if we put in a call to Dr. Bornstein about something for the racey thoughts and panic?— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 5, 2017
She even comes up with cutesy rhymes to help him remember what’s important:
.@realDonaldTrump And remember, Vladimir may tell you he thinks you’re smart, but he detests America in his heart.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 30, 2016
.@realDonaldTrump And just sing: When North Korea threatens us with nuclear war, have a national security briefing even if it’s a bore!— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 2, 2017
.@realDonaldTrump And don’t worry about the fancy NRA money or the yahoos! Remember: A smart guy doesn’t let innocent people die.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 2, 2017
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