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Women can do it all, because we have to. But how long can we sustain that role? We need help recharging and managing the "big stuff" so that the little stuff doesn't bury us.
For 10 years I have been a part of an online message board meant for
moms. The board is full of women from all walks of life, different
areas of the country (and world), and many different views on life. It
often seems that we have three things in common, collectively: 1) We are
moms; 2) We love our families and they keep us busy; 3) We are one blow
(work or health crisis, divorce, financial hardship, etc.) from
watching our house of cards fall around us. It is a common thing on
this board to see a post titled "I can't do this!", followed by message
after message saying "yes, you can! You are fabulous, you'll get
through this.".
We all take our turns as example, disaster and
cheerleader. For many women, the support of other women- whether it be
best friends, family, church groups or an online message board- is what
picks us back up when the world is threatening to swallow us up. And
other women offer the unique ability to support us, because we know they
have been there, done that.
I am a 31 year old married mother of 2 boys, ages 7
and 10. I am the manager of a non-profit, donation based Meals On
Wheels site responsible for feeding around 325 seniors a day.
Additionally, I've been on crutches for a month as doctors try to
figure out why I am dealing with severe hip pain. With all the tests
and specialist appointments, lately I have been feeling completely
overwhelmed by life and all it is throwing my way. Between keeping up
my long work hours on top of all my doctor's appointments, the physical
challenge of mothering and managing without walking, and the defeating
pressure that all the added medical bills put on me, every once in
awhile I feel like I will crack. Monday
was one of those days for me. I worked 12 painful hours, came home
exhausted and ready to be with my family, only to fall asleep before we
could get to watching a Christmas movie.
After another procedure to figure out what is going on with my hip Wednesday,
followed by a tearful "I am drowning in stress, pain and exhaustion"
conversation with my HR person, I am off for a sick day. I just sent my
children to school. My 7 year old needed money for a book fair, and
thank goodness my husband had some cash in his wallet. I feel obligated
to do things like give my children book fair money- I know it isn't a
substitute for the attentive mom I was before I went back to work, but
it's what I can offer. My ADHD 10 year old is starting down the tween
attitude path and spent the morning lamenting how unfair I am for all
the various hardships I impose on him- having to be ready for school on
time, no sleepovers until grades are better, etc. My husband woke up
just in time to say goodbye to the kids after I had done all the work
getting them ready.
Normally I would be going in to the office now,
where I would focus on feeding seniors and, often more importantly,
providing a safe and happy place for them to socialize for 4 hours. To
feed them coffee and lunch, I typically work 9-11 hours a day, 5 days a
week. When I get home, I hope and pray that dinner is already made. If
it isn't, I look around and find something to cook so that we can move
on to homework, cuddle time, bedtime stories and managing sibling
arguments. Usually after the kids are in bed, I sit with my Chromebook
and checkbook and try to figure out how to cover all the bills- medical,
especially- that add up to a constant weight on my shoulders. I am
unbelievably thankful that my mother, who is retired and lives 5 blocks
away, helps me with the laundry and housekeeping that I would be hard
pressed to get to. I know not all working families have a grandma to
help around the house 2 or 3 afternoons a week, and I hope I can be that
grandma when my children are grown.
Two weeks ago my 7 year old had to have an abcess
tooth removed. He had been telling me that his tooth was "a little
sore" for two weeks, but I just kept thinking "I'll call tomorrow"- and
it got lost in the mix. I felt like a failure as a parent when the
dentist told us how bad his tooth really was. We got a lecture about
how we should be monitoring tooth brushing- I didn't realize we weren't.
I always tell my kids "ok, go brush your teeth!"...but that is usually
said while I am trying to get myself ready, pack lunches and feed the
dog. I thought I was being attentive. The abcess tooth really hit
home. Sometimes I drop the ball, and my kids pay the price. It hurts
and I just hope they will look back as adults and forgive me.
My younger sister is in her 3rd year of medical
school. She has a 15 month old son and another child due in the spring.
She and her husband timed the pregnancies so that she would only have
to delay her career 1 year. With $250K student loan debt by the time
she is a doctor, they wouldn't be able to start a family until very late
in life had they waited to finish her schooling first. My sister is an
amazing, strong woman. She works so hard and genuinely wants to be a
doctor to help people. But she worries that her son will see her mother
in law as more of a mother figure than her, since young family finances
with one of them in school has forced she and her husband to live with
his parents until they move on to her residency. Everyone praises my
sister for her amazing ability to handle school and motherhood, but I
know that she sometimes wants to break down and just go home to hold her
child. Her days off are so fleeting that she cherishes them and can't
possibly fit all the family time she wants into her schedule right now.
My older sister is a stay at home mom of 2 children,
a 5 year old girl and a 8 year old boy with sensory integration
disorder and life threatening food allergies. She volunteers at school,
is heavily involved in the PTA, helps with the local wrestling team
that her husband coaches and still somehow struggles to feel confident
in how valuable her work is. Lately her son has been bullied and she
feels helpless and frustrated that even as a super involved parent she
can't save him from this struggle. She has the family focused life that
my younger sister and I envy, yet she is lacking the feeling of
personal success that we rely on to get us through missing our children.
My older sister plays a very important role in her world, but she is
exhausted and undervalued by herself and her family.
In summary, we can't win. We all feel guilty for
something, and we all struggle with feelings of being inadequate. We
all tend to put the world before us, and we are all exhausted. I feel
confident that this statement applies to most women, not just those that
I know and speak to personally. So what do we need, to help deal with
these feelings?
We need support. My sisters and I are lucky to have
that support in our parents, but I know not all women have that. Our
husbands try to support us and often do, but our roles in society are so
different that they don't always understand the depth or reasons behind
the feelings and realities we struggle with. Women can support each
other, but only when we have time to nurture those supportive
relationships.
We need healthcare. I know so many moms who have
battled with mental health problems, physical challenges and illnesses
that can often be the card that makes the house tumble. We need access
to healthcare- both in terms of time to see a doctor, supportive
employers to allow us to get to appointments, and health insurance which
makes care financially possible. I personally feel lucky to have
insurance through my employer, however, after paying $500/month for
coverage for my children and I, the extra $300-500/month I spend on
bills and prescriptions has me in the habit of asking "can I afford to
go to the doctor?".
We need knowledge. We need to know how to deal with
the challenges that come our way. Dealing with a child's health
problem, a financial challenge in our household or trying to learn how
to live a healthier lifestyle can feel incredibly isolating. We need
support groups and non-judgemental information.
We need affordable education, so that we have the
opportunity to grow personally as well as know that we are setting our
children up for successful futures.
We need steady job opportunities. Because we want to break the glass ceiling, but it's hard to do from outside the building.
We need respect from our peers and loved ones in
regards to our career choices. We need to know that staying home to
care for loved ones is a valuable career, and being a financial provider
for the family is a career. The world needs all kinds of women who
makes all kinds of career choices.
Mostly, we need a strong message from society: You are valuable. You are important. What you do, the world notices.
The
segment on the Today show this morning really hit home. What do I
need? I need rest, relief from medical bills and assurance that it's ok
if I drop the ball now and then, as long as I'm trying. What do women
need? Someone to ask that question.
Thank you,
Brianna
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