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I've been watching all of the presidential candidates with great interest—and deep concern. Concern for us. Concern for the fate of our country. Concern for our world.
As an expert on narcissism, I'm not especially worried that narcissists might make it to the White House. According to research, they've always been there. And that shouldn't scare us anyway, because, just to be clear: Being a narcissist is not a diagnosis. It never has been. Narcissists are people higher innarcissistic traits than the average person, and while they may or may not be disordered, they all share one thing in common: They feel special. Some feel special enough to lead a nation, in fact.
What we should be far more concerned about is not whether politicians are narcissists—most are—but how healthy they are. And that's where you come in.
You have the power to shape the future of this country.
Politicians are groomed by us—by our applause, by our polls, by our votes. Whatever you seem to love or hate, they'll embrace or reject. So be careful what you applaud or attack. It matters what they—and all the little future leaders watching them—think you want in a leader.
That's why this isn't another rant about Donald Trump being a narcissist because:
- Did you really need an expert to tell you that?
- We don't need another article or book about obvious narcissists, because apparently we're pretty good at recognizing them already.
Instead, I offer a guide, based on research, for what keeps leaders healthy, so you can applaud the right behaviors, and, I hope, punish the dangerous ones.
So here are some dos and don'ts:
- Do applaud careful reflection.
Please, for everyone's sake, stop making politicians worried, on either side, that changing their minds when they have new information will be viewed as a weakness. Ditch the reflexive and empty attacks on "flip-flopping." When someone gives careful reasoning behind changing their position, it's not weakness; it's strength.
- Don't applaud insults.
Here's a dead giveaway that extreme narcissists use to cover their insecurities: Putdowns. Like the schoolyard bully who beats people up to feel stronger, extreme narcissists hurl insults when they feel threatened; they name call, insult, denigrate. It's not clever and it's not mature. Therapists have a name for it: Emotional abuse. It doesn't belong on the playground, and it certainly doesn't belong in the White House
- Do applaud feelings.
The world's going down in flames for sure if we choose unflappably stoic—that is,insensitive—leaders who never seem to shed a tear or get choked up over anything. - Don't applaud manipulation.
Disordered narcissists betray three telltale signs: empathy-impairment, entitlement, and exploitation.
- Do applaud collaborative behavior.
Extreme narcissists don't like to be influenced because it makes them feel weak. It's the same reason they flee any hint of vulnerable feelings.
- Don't applaud black-and-white thinking.
We need leaders who can see the nuance in situations, who don't collapse the world into simple categories. In mental health, black-and-white thinking is known as a "cognitive distortion," not a great habit in a leader.
- Do applaud apologies.
We all make mistakes. But extreme narcissists are so addicted to feeling special, often by seeming perfect, that they can't admit to even the simplest errors, let alone apologize for hurting others.
- Don't applaud evasiveness.
Extreme narcissists excel at shallow, vague, and glib responses, especially the extroverted types who seek power.
- Do applaud curiosity.
Smart leaders, and I've met a few, actively explore.
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