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Dear Republicans:
Let me get this straight. You want to take back Donald Trump. You want to take Trump off the table. But you want to give us Ted Cruz instead.
I know you’re not totally insane. Your problem is that many of you are not from Texas. You don’t really know Ted Cruz. Last week Sen. Lindsey Graham told CNN, “Ted and I are in the same party. Donald Trump is an interloper.”
Senator Graham, please listen to me. You and Donald Trump are from the same planet. Cruz is the interloper.
May I bore you with a bit of back-story? The first part of this you already know. In 2010, then Republican Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison told the Texas party leadership she wanted to come back to Texas and be governor.
In that bygone era, the leaders of the party here in Texas were mostly associated with an antique tribe known as “the bushes.” The bushes were never comfortable with the incumbent governor, Rick Perry, because he was a real cowboy, and they just pretended to be.
The bushes went to Perry, thanked him for his service and told him they were giving his job to Kay. He was probably about to step down from the 2010 election, when a crazy Rasputin-like polling guru from New Hampshire named Dave Carney showed up and told Perry he'd had a vision about a thing called, “The Tea Party.” He said it was about to explode over the Texas political horizon like an A-bomb, but it was still invisible to the bushes.
Carney persuaded Perry to give it a try. In order to summon this new dark force, Perry, who had always been sort a middle-of-the-road, go-along, crony-capitalist, opportunistic, moderate country boy, needed to create the impression that he was totally insane.
So he did it. Perry proposed that as governor he would invade Mexico. Then he said Texas should consider seceding from the union. Oh my God! He shot up in the polls almost overnight, from lagging behind Hutchison to a double-digit lead.
Perry, who had always tagged along at the very bottom of the Republican ticket in prior elections, stomped Hutchison at the polls in his first-ever landslide victory. The force was with him!
After that, we saw the unfortunate business in which Carney persuaded Perry to run for president, and then we had “oops,” and then you know the rest. But here is what you don’t know.
All the while, when Perry was doing his totally whacked-out Tea Party shtick and winning, he was closely scrutinized by Ted Cruz and Cruz’s homophobic, climate-change-and-evolution-denying, commie-hating, ultra-right-wing, scary-damn Cuban father whom you always see in Cruz election headquarters photos hanging from the back wall like a gargoyle atop Notre Dame.
The Cruzes were not shtick. They weren’t Rick Perry trying to fake his way from the center out into cuckoo-land. They were trying to fake their way back into cuckoo-land from the beyond.
You people, you Republicans who think Cruz is the antidote to Trump, you don’t live in Texas, so you haven’t had a lot of opportunity to hear Cruz’s father speak or pay close attention to his behavior. Please. Google him. YouTube him. Take a look at Rafael Cruz.
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