The Orkin Man, dressed to the nines in his white button down shirt and sleek hat, pulled up to the White House for a routine inspection that turned out to be anything but routine. He was fast-tracked through security and brought immediately to the West Wing for a meeting he never expected with Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, whose job seems to include…nothing but calling the Orkin man.
Priebus informed him that there have been multiple pest sightings in the White House, including the West Wing, that the staff have been able to do little about. After receiving clearance to investigate and a Secret Service escort, he was off to see just how bad — and potentially dangerous — the situation was.
The first stop was the Oval Office, which is where the Orkin man determined that the problem was, in fact, caused by Trump himself:
It’s a classic scenario; it doesn’t matter who you are. Certain behaviors tend to invite pests that can be hard to get rid of. In this case, it looks like the pests were invited by telephone. When I stepped into the Oval Office there were signs everywhere. As soon as I turned on the lights I witnessed at least 4 little Nugents scurry under the couches. The entire south end of the room had Kid Rock feces all over it and there were Palin eggs in every dark nook and cranny.
The good news is that the Nugents aren’t very bright and were easily lured out and captured. Since they have no use to the world scientifically and nobody has a desire to own or rescue them, they were destroyed on the spot. The Orkin man only had to read 3 sentences from a history book and their heads exploded, as all Nugents are extremely sensitive to knowledge.
The Kid Rock feces were another story. They are extremely hard to remove, being that they’re full of any talent he may have ever had, and they leave awful stains that smell like a Michigan trailer park. Before cleaning the stains, however, you have to find the culprit. It seems Kid was able to disguise himself as a White House aide and was going room to room to leave his mark. The Orkin man caught up to him in the Lincoln Bedroom where he was trapped and sent to Mississippi to be released with all of the other idiots from 700 miles north of the Mason-Dixon line who think the confederate flag has something to do with their “heritage.”
The Palin eggs turned out to be the worst of the problem he would face. The worst by far. As they hatch, they turn into hypocritical, useless little things that start laying their own eggs as juveniles, beat each other up when they come in contact with alcohol, and make enough noise to make the people around them dumber just for sharing their space. They also outright refuse to go away. It seems that no matter how hard he tried, they just kept coming back. They spread, too, and not just physically. By the time they hit adulthood they start their own blogs and infect American dullards with conservative conspiracy theories and bible passages that are relevant to anything but their own lives.
The Orkin man says he has weeks of killing Nugents, cleaning Kid Rock bombs and sterilizing Palins before the White House will be clear. When asked how to avoid the issue in the future, he had one simple message for Trump: “Don’t invite hillbilly redneck hasbeens into your house unless you want to spend a month breathing in their stench.”
The ordeal will cost the taxpayers an initial fee of $1.6 million, but once the problem is solved it should be able to be dealt with for a reasonable monthly maintenance fee and increased security at the front gate to keep unwanted assholes out.
This post is marked “political satire” for a reason. We know it isn’t real. It’s also called “parody.” If you seriously feel the need to go to our Facebook page to call this story “fake,” you’re an idiot. Thanks in advance.